Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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