She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
