Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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