omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
