life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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