My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
