last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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