Who did Billy Mays play for?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
