Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
