I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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