i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
