I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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