Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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