I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
