I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
