I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
