Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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