I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
