Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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