it hurts more in the daytime
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
