I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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