I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
