I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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