It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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