Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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