I feel like abortions should bother me more
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
