I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
