If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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