She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
