Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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