4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
