Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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