No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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