i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
