My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My cat gives me a boner
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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