She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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