nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
