my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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