I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
