I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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