those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
