I will die if light touches me.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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