I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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