I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
