I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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