Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
