I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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