People with herpes should wear stickers.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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