I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
