guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
