I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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