I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
